If you have kids you may have heard the term ghosting.It’s what people do when they don’t want to respond for what ever reason. They disappear just like a ghost.
Sadly my clients and I are seeing this personally with vendors, colleagues, and prospects. I sort of understand this with kids because they don’t have the tools to handle conflict, but adults?!?
When I teach conflict resolution one of the options is avoidance and it can work in some situations but.there is a down side
| Advantages | Disadvantages | |
| Keeps you out of situations where your involvement will only result in negative outcomes for you | Allows conflict to grow (snowball effect) | |
| May keep you from harmful influence of others | Sets the stage for a bigger explosion later | |
| Buys some time (may give you the opportunity to collect information to use when you later address the conflict) | Keeps any “real” solution from being found | |
| Attention can be paid to other more important issues | Causes others to perceive that you don’t care | |
| Keeps you distant from issues others can manage without your involvement | Leaves the impression that you can’t change | |
| Reinforces the notion that conflict is bad and should be avoided | ||
| When to Use | When Not to Use | |
| Issue is not important to you | Safety or ethical issues are involved that might harm you or others | |
| Issue will not affect whether the deal goes through | The relationship is not at risk or in any jeopardy | |
| Issue is too emotionally charged and could damage the relationship, need space to “cool down” | ||
Take a look at the chart, the item that stands out is causes others to believe you don’t care. If you are a vendor who doesn’t return calls or e-mails why should I want to buy from you? Perhaps you are a prospective client, how hard is it to openly say I appreciate all you have offered and perhaps down the road but I am not buying now. We have all met the people who want to get together to see how you can help each other but don’t follow-up on dates. I used to work with a company that didn’t return supplier calls because they couldn’t pay the whole invoice. That was solved by creating a weekly payment plan..
How do you deal with ghosts? Has it changed how you market yourself? How you network? I look forward to reading your suggestions and comments.
Harriet,
“nice touch,” said a ghost from the past. Glad to see this nugget. Totally relevant. Always important to remember that there are times when we need to recognize that we just might not be the center of the universe for everyone. On the other hand, you “have to know which side your bread is buttered on.” It is all about priorities and time management.
P.S. Dear Abby, I didn’t send a Christmas card to the plumber who broke our pipes. Do you think I should have?
Good to hear from you. It has been a while and hope you are doing well I think Abby might forgive you this time…LOL Please sign up for the newsletter and check out the website so we can continue to stay connected.
Thanks for this very relevant and interesting article Harriet.
Being European, where I grew up, living in North America and working internationally made me realize it’s a lot related to the cultural aspect.
I have to say that I noticed it’s mostly something I have observed in North America (US and Canada). Despite the fact of being aware of it, I don’t think I could ever get used to it. In Europe, it is probably the most disrespectful thing someone could do to someone else, and it is only “reserved” for people who did something really wrong.
I think the worse part is when people contact you to ask you if you can do something for them, and after agreeing, you never hear from them again (it happened several times to me).
Another bad aspect of it is obviously when the “ghosts” deal with people from different cultures who have no idea of this cultural thing. I remember being in charge of an event in France, 2 American clients came, and I introduced them to some colleagues. After I asked nicely, those agreed to organize a surprise for the Americans. While those really enjoyed the day, they said to my colleagues that they would send many goodies and “stuff” from the US.
I knew it would never happened, and of course…. it didn’t. I felt bad because my French colleagues, unaware of this ghosting thing, probably still wonder why there was so much enthusiasm, followed by absolutely nothing. This day, at least these people (if not American people) lost the confidence of my colleagues.
It’s a very interesting subject, and I try often to engage friends and colleagues from North America about it, but it’s usually hard to have them realize what it can mean to others.
Fantastic topic Harriet! Thanks again!
Thank you Fabien for some great insight.How sad that this is such an American behavior. I teach at UCLA extension to many international students and I’ll have to pose this to them to see what they think. I’m sorry your French colleagues were disappointed like that.
Very interesting article, Harriet. Just to simplify it, it is never good to ghost as it demonstrates ones lack of taking responsibility for their actions; doing so, makes one accountable and thus respected.
If one is not ready with the product or service, they should own the matter and be up front with the client/vendor/friend, etc. Ghosting in the long run will damage more than help. Furthermore, if you are not going to do something, then don’t create the exception as Fabien noted in his comment. Great article!
Thank you Sohei you are right it’s about being accountable and transparent.